Cyber Security

An A-List Bro Taught Me About Cyber Security

Sometimes, my job is simply delightful

Photo by FLY:D on Unsplash

Today at work, I watched a frat bro tell me about phishing. And in that moment, it felt like my life peaked.

Normally, as you would imagine, my job is not the highlight of my day. But, if nothing else, my job is really fucking easy.

The amount of downtime I have most weeks is simply incredible. We’re talking on the order of 15 to 20-ish hours where I do basically whatever the fuck I want. And I’m able to get so much done in that time. I’m guessing do about a quarter of my writing while I’m just chilling at my desk.

Given that I’m getting paid the whole time I’m doing nothing productive, at times it feels like highway robbery.

But I still have to maintain the appearance of productivity. So, while I’m cranking out all these dope posts, I’ll have these training videos rolling in the background.

Now, I normally don’t pay any attention to these videos, and it’s an open secret that no one actually gets anything from them. I mean, robotic white men mansplaining diversity in the workplace isn’t exactly gripping material.

But this one was different. I didn’t think it would be, but goddammit, this video was special. And I knew it was going to be special from the very beginning, because today, my teacher was a bro.

Quaffed bro doing his best blue steel.
Check out the blue-steel on this quaffed specimen. Photo by author.

The Essence of Bro

As the video began, a heavily quaffed frat guy authoritatively marched onto the screen, and immediately started telling me about the terrors of cyber-attacks, and how we, the employees, are the weak links that get targeted.

And his delivery was impeccably brotastic. He was intense and stoic, yet he made sure we knew he was still chill. And based on the tie the producers made him put on, you could tell he tried to seem smart.

But, based on his seventh grade reading level and his general essence of douche, you could tell he was dumb enough to be in awe of anything by Post Malone.

Bro looking dumb
He was trying his best, but reading cue cards clearly wasn’t his strong suit. Photo by author.

He was clearly struggling to read the cue cards. Even though he only had to create a handful of three minute, prerecorded videos, he was still stumbling over A LOT of words. It was a little like watching a middle schooler’s PowerPoint presentation.

But that’s all forgivable though. He was still absolutely crushing it. Just ask anyone as cool as this guy and they’ll tell you all about how pointless English class is. And how could any of us argue he’s wrong? He’s almost competent at speaking his native language.

However, it wasn’t just the vibes that made his essence so breathtaking.

If this isn’t the energy of someone about to tell you he’ll “Steal your girl,” I don’t know what is. Photo by author.

Mannerisms of a Dawg

His mannerisms were truly a treasure to behold. For most of the video, he maintained the classic, “I’m cool” head tilt.

Excelling at that tilt is the moniker of any douche of merit. Everyone knows that, in order to appear both chill and alert other bros you’ll “steal their girl,” you need to confidently and seductively cock your head at all times.

Look at him attempting to use his hands naturally. Photo by author.

There were moments when he dared to risk dope he looked and relent from his picturesque posture. And in those moments, he shined like the glimmer of a dozen culturally appropriated chains.

Yes, it was rocky at times. He was definitely unsure about what to do with his hands most of the time. But when he had the chance to make an emphatic gesture, it was so magnificent you’d almost forget how awkward his hands were.

When he’d gesture at one of the graphics in the video, he’d swipe at it with the unwarranted swagger you’d typically only see from a white rapper. And I shouldn’t have been surprised, because, based on his general aura, I’m guessing his favorite album is Post Malone’s Beerbongs & Bentleys. And yes, that album is as much of an artistic achievement as you’d think it is.

And, of course, his appearance was on point.

The confidence to show that mustache on camera is truly admirable. Plus, those rolled sleeves and funky tuck just scream, “I’m a dope ass motherfucker.” Photo by author.

The Looks

First of all, with that immaculate head of hair, which by the way, I may actually murder for, there’s a lot of potential for his looks. And he certainly attempted to maximize them.

You can tell that he uses at least one jar of mousse every morning to part that incomparable quaff. I don’t know how he does it, but the way he does his hair somehow makes his dad look rich. And that is simply glorious. It feels like something out of a teenage dream.

And once I was able to pry my eyes away from that parted goodness resting atop his scalp, I realized just how righteous his outfit was. You could tell that they wanted to turn him into this business “stiff” for this presentation, and he was like, “No, fuck that nerd shit!”

Sure, he wore the dress shirt that “The Man” wanted him to wear, but he still rolled up his sleeves and did a messy, funky tuck into his black jeans, so I knew he was still dope.

If his look said anything, it’s that no one can hold him down and make him look like another cog in the capitalist wheel, because he already was the capitalist wheel. You can’t get him to dress “Fancy.” You can’t get a bro this dope to dress anyway he doesn’t want to. And you certainly won’t get him to shave his precious facial hair.

He confidently boasted the wispiest, soup strainer of a mustache I’d seen since middle school PE. The confidence he has in that mustache is something I think we can all strive towards. Because if embracing those loose strands of lip hair is not self-love at its pinnacle, I don’t know what is.

Eventually, I made it all the way to the end of this video series. And, for once, I actually watched the entire thing. And after actually watching all of the videos, I found that I learned literally nothing. I was so mesmerized and enchanted by this specimen of a presenter that I completely ignored the actual content of his words.

In the end, it was just another productive day of work.

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