Ron DeSantis Wearing Lifts Is the Scandal We Need Right Now

Joy can come from even the most unexpected of sources

The world can be a dark, depressing place. It can be easy to lose hope and your general zest for life. I know I often find myself not feeling particularly zesty.

But sometimes, something in life happens that makes you feel good. Sometimes, the thing that makes you more nervous about the future of the world than almost anything else will bring you pure, blissful joy.

And on this day, I owe this rush of joy to none other than Ron DeSantis and his lifts that rocked America.

Now, I don’t typically keep up very well with the actual specifics of current news stories, and it’s for the simple fact that it’s always the same stories being told with a slightly different cast of characters. Or, as a delightful former coworker of mine would say, “Same shit, different toilet.”

Whatever juicy story is making the rounds, in my eyes, is just a thing that now exists, and is merely a symptom of a problem that’s been around for years. So, for me, ingesting this information only serves to make me a little sad and very mad. And I’m already prone to bitterness and would like to eschew some of this toxic negativity from my life.

So no, I don’t feel it’s necessary to stay up to date with every piece of current events. But every once in a while, a familiar, problematic face will pop up in the Google trending searches.

And I don’t usually take the bait. I look at that name, and that smiling, hateful face, and I say “Nope. Not today google! You’re not getting me this time. We are thinking happy thoughts today.” And that will be the end of it.

But the other day, I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was a spiritual force, maybe it was me just being bored at the airport. I don’t know for sure, but it was probably me being bored at the airport. So I did the unconscionable and clicked on that trending search to find out what was happening with Ron DeSantis. 

And that decision was the single best one I made all day, because I found out that the controversy rocking America was that Ron DeSantis wears heels.

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Ron DeSantis, a man who has waged war on all things drag and homosexual, wears heels. That irony alone is a magic elixir that’ll brighten the day of all chronic shit talkers such as myself. This transphobic man wears heeled boots so he can feel more secure about his gender expression. It is simply delicious.

But that isn’t even the funniest part to me. No, the funniest thing is just that fact that wears lifts, and then lies about it. How do you think you won’t get caught? You’re interacting with people in person all the time. Isn’t someone going to eventually notice you are noticeably shorter than 5’11”, like, I dunno, someone who’s actually 5’11”? It’s not like a hinge profile where you can just say you’re 6 feet tall and we have to believe you.

And why would you even need to lie about your height in the first place? Running for president is essentially applying for a high-profile desk job. It’s not like you’re trying to be an NBA player, or some other job where height actually matters. As far as I know, the job description for president does not include dunking on the speaker of the house.

And obviously, the actual reason he’s lying about his height is because he is so insecure in his own masculinity that his fragile ego will be shattered if anyone knew his real height. And if this insecure gay boy could say anything to our friend Ron about all of this, I would simply tell him to own that shit.

I would tell him that he doesn’t need to be ashamed of his height, but he doesn’t need to be ashamed of how fabulous he feels in heels. I’d tell him to just go all in and where the sluttiest, highest stilettos his blood money could buy. And when he’s slaying that hard, I’m sure all he’ll be able to say is “Yass queen! I’m the sexiest king the Florida state government has ever seen!” 

And can you imagine how much happier he and all of us would be if he just embraced his inner femininity and was open about his heels. I just want to tell him, “Girl, keep rocking those heels, you oxymoronic, homophobic rube. Love yourself!”

But alas, reality ultimately won’t be so kind. Obviously, he’s still going to be a toxic bigot and a symbol of conservative hate.

But for one day, one beautiful, fleeting moment in history, Ron DeSantis was able to bring joy to this world. And all this joy he brought into the world is thanks to a scandal of all things. A beautiful, wonderful scandal. It was truly the scandal that America needed right now. So, thank you, Ron DeSantis. You have unexpectedly brought joy to this fruitcake’s life.

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