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Don’t You Leave Me!
The Hoffman Chronicles: Episode 2 Why do my humans always leave me? I love them more than life itself. When we’re together it’s endless snuggles and cuddles and occasional table scraps. My life, nay, OUR life, is impeccable. I know we’re all one big, happy family. Yet they constantly leave me. They always come back, but I just wish that I didn’t have to worry about them coming back in the first place. The world is such a big, scary place that’s full of big, scary noises that are inevitably going to kill us all. The noises, my god, those fucking noises. I used to be more comfortable with them leaving,…
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Here and Queer: The Life of a Gay Labrador
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Gay Birds Give Me a Reason To Live
Homosexual geese fill me with gay pride Being gay has been a constant struggle. Everyday I live with the societally imposed feeling that who I am is wrong. I even find myself doubting the validity of who I fundamentally am. I grapple with the feeling that what I am is unnatural and that the way I’m living will inevitably leave me feeling unfulfilled. But in these moments, the one thing that always makes me feel better is thinking about gay birds. To take a step back, recently I found this really interesting article that talked about queer animals out in the wild, and the one thing from that piece that really…
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Living in a Poor City Fucking Rocks
I don’t recommend living by wealthy people The wealthy have it made. Millions and mansions, nightlife, and pretty lights. Rich people have it all, and they fucking know it. I miss living in a poor city. I grew up in Rockford, Illinois. It’s a city that consistently ranks very highly in the lists of the most impoverished, most obese, least educated, and most dangerous cities in the country. But honestly, it’s a pretty nice place to live. The park district is lovely, the downtown area is undergoing a revival, and every Friday during the summer, there’s a weekly festival called the City Market that has food trucks, craft beer vendors, and…
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Here and Queer: The Life of a Gay Labrador
The Hoffman Chronicles: Episode 1 My name is Detective David Hoffman of the Los Angeles Police Department, and I am a homoflexible black lab. For those who aren’t in the know, that means I am mostly gay, but I’m sometimes down for some furry play with what you humans so callously refer to as “a bitch.” I personally don’t vibe with that type of degrading terminology, because this this dog is a feminist king. Now, I know you may be thinking, “Geez, another story about a gay dog? You must be barking mad!” And to that I’d say, (a) your pun game is on point, and (b) queer stories are…
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Don’t You Leave Me!
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Becoming a Gay Stereotype Feels Amazing
Being flamboyant is fabulous I’m becoming more of a gay stereotype by the day. My walk is getting sassier, I sometimes notice a little extra limpness in my wrist, and I unironically say things like, “Girl, you are looking glamorous right now.” I even bought my first skirt a week ago. But the gayest thing about me may be how much I love the song Dance the Night by Dua Lipa. It’s a fun, fabulous ditty that fills me up with joy, and it makes me want to sing and dance my fruity little heart out. Or, if I may quote the woman herself, it makes me want to “Dance the…
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Why I Yearn To Work From Home
The plight of the commuter is all to real Is there anything more alluring than the thought of working from the comforts of your own home? What could be better? All I want is to work in my pajamas and stop dressing weirdly formally for no reason at all. But more than anything else, I just want to ditch my commute. I don’t know about you, but I cannot stand commuting. I commute about 35 minutes to and from work every day. And even worse, I do it in the Chicago suburbs where everyone drives like a freaking savage. In the suburbs, commuter culture reigns supreme. Even places that feel like…
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Learning to Love my Relationship Weight
Love is a beautiful thing. Love can move mountains and love can change lives. Love fills us up, and love can tear us down. A lack of love can lead us to yearn and to better ourselves, and being full of love leads us to being, well, full. The comfort of finding that person you think could be your special someone is a wonderful thing. Your body image improves, your shame eating gets rebranded as snacking, and you learn to shamelessly enjoy the many great flavors the frozen dessert aisle and the surprisingly decadent Walmart pastry section have to offer. You get to experience pure, prediabetic bliss. But that love…
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I’m Gay and I Am Terrified
Coming out is not as magical as I’ve been led to believe In the movies, coming out is this magical time in a person’s life filled with love and constant, heartfelt reassurances from everyone that they’ll love you for exactly who you are. In the movies, it’s a celebration of one’s newfound, authentic self and everyone starts living their best lives. This has not been the case for me. Don’t get me wrong, I did get a lot of lovely text messages and I have begun to love and accept myself more. I do now feel more free to express myself and be the person I was always meant to be.…
